Dec. 27th- exhilaration and depression

Today has been one of those rare days where fate has been on my side and I have little to complain about.

I got to have lunch with two of my longest best friends. We got to catch up on so much and it is so much fun to see the way our lives have changed and who we are becoming. I am so proud to have such inspirational, hard working, happy friends. These are two people that have never judged me and have always lifted me up and made me feel good about what I’m doing, even during my most discouraged times.

Next I got a killer parking spot at the mall. It was clearly in the stars that I shop. And the mall itself really wasn’t that bad. All my returns went smoothly, as did my purchases, and people weren’t huge grumpy grouches. Also, when I was leaving the mall I was able to flag down a car looking for a parking spot and give them my awesome one and they were so happy. Little things give me hope that there is still love and peace in the world.

When I got home from shopping I made the responsible decision to not take a nap and to go for a run. Let me tell you, I am so happy I did this. That run, though a brief two miles, gave me the perspective I needed to see some struggles a little more clearly.

The most bothersome thing right now is still this damn grad school crap. I know what I want to do with my life in the long term and its something that is so selfless and it bothers me so much that I have such a desire to help people but its so hard to get to that point. I know life isn’t meant to be easy and they say it is the struggles that define us, but for once I just want to be cut a damn break. I know it will work out. It’s just so hard to remain positive when I don’t know where to even start.

Aside from my slight grad school tangent, this has been a wonderful day. And it’s not over…I get to go eat oysters!!!!

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By megms

Dec. 24th- holidays

I’d like to start by saying, even as a Christmas elf, there is still a certain aspect of the holidays that gets me down.

Now, this year with recent events, I think I can say the majority of America is with me on this.

Further, around this time of year it is very lovey. Everyone who is in a relationship is happy. And everyone who is not in a relationship, wishes they were. I stand on neither side of the fence.

There is so much desire to be in such a frivolous relationship that sometimes I have no such desire to do so. What does it all mean? And eventually, if you don’t get married, most break ups end up messy and nasty. And even if you do get married that doesn’t mean ten years from now your significant other wont leave you.

Maybe it’s just Christmas and I am feeling grinchy, but I’m starting to become very skeptical of serious relationships.

As I’ve said before, I definitely want to get married and have children, but I wonder if love is ever genuine.

I’ve been in relationships where I’ve loved and been loved, but that love has gone sour and I don’t see how any reconciliation could get back what was lost. Once hurt, how do you heal?

On a more positive note. I am so fucking glad it finally snowed. I put two cats outside in it. I don’t think either cared much for it. And I ran around like a lunatic. So happy for a white Christmas (eve). I will try to be more active with this thing. I am such a slacker.

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By megms

12/12/12- end of the world?

There’s so many things I could complain about, like my two hour wait at Mazda for an oil change, but with the end of the world just days away, I don’t think I will complain today.

I am so happy I got to see some of my friends this afternoon. Tomorrows quasi-hangover will be totally worth it. I didn’t think we would all be able to get together but low and behold, with plenty of bitching and moaning, we did. (Matt included).

I also got a wonderful phone call from a friend. Days like today make me remember that just when you think your life is shit, your friends are there to remind you that it is, but it will get better. Thank you friends.

On a health note: I suck. I didn’t run yesterday or today. My diet has been pretty good aside from the queso and margaritas I consumed for dinner tonight. Tomorrow I have nothing in the afternoon and I plan to go for a nice long run. I really think I need to get back to the gym some mornings.

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By megms

Dec. 11th- alcoholism

If it wasn’t for the huge responsibility of trying to be a real adult I feel, or fear, I would be a huge alcoholic.

I love to relax with a strong martini, margarita, glass of wine, or cold beer. In stressful situations, which I seem to find myself in a lot these days, I find myself craving the days where I used to only have to go to class, write seven papers, and get inappropriately drunk on a Tuesday night with ten of my most irresponsible friends. Why can’t things go back to the simpler days? The days of hangovers and Friends marathons and nothing to lose.

Now I’m in bed by 8:00pm. Sober. And alone. I still have Friends marathons…by myself. But I don’t have the same kind of carefree fun. The worries of having to be responsible and the stress of knowing that people are depending on you is really sobering. I now have to think before I drink and god forbid I do drink during the week, I have to drink responsibly. I know, I bet you thought I couldn’t do that; it’s hard.

Further, my friends that were once in arms reach are so spread apart. We have to pencil in dates and hope that at least a few of us can meet. Of course all of us never can. And even then we can’t go out on a “week night” like we were once able to. Not without more severe repercussions.

Being a grown up sucks. Being a grown up makes me crave irresponsibility. To be young, and wild, and free is to be cherished. One day, if you choose to (attempt to) be responsible, that spontaneous, fabulous life will be gone. In its place will be the 60 year old lady at the bowling alley, after all the students have left, telling you the bar is open, she knows you want a drink; and you walking away texting plans to drink another day.

By megms

Day 21? Dec 10th moving forward

My weird stomach bug is still lingering. I decided, after crying in the bathroom around 4:15 this morning for a half hour, I should probably stay home from work. It helped a little bit, however, anything I eat still seems to upset my stomach. I don’t actually get sick, I just whimper in tremendous pain.

I did run a mile and a half today on the treadmill. That felt okay. Not a bad as I thought it would be after a four day break. I am going to try to get up before work to run tomorrow. Ha. That might be a stretch but I have good intentions.

I met with my advisor for grad school today. No one has ever made me feel more like an idiot than she did. Oh and the dumb ass public safety officer that didn’t think I could handle finding the lady’s office. I don’t know how upon entering a building one has never been in before they should be expected to know their way around.

Anyway, my advisor thought I should have the next few years of my life planned out and was upset with me when I didn’t. Maybe it’s just me, but how can you plan out two year of your future and think it will never change? And why would you want to do that? I understand making tentative plans so you know what classes you need to take and the order in which you should take them, but seriously planning everything, including internships that I don’t even know if I can do while still working. It isn’t going to happen lady. She wasn’t pleased with my nonchalant attitude about grad school. I thought learning was supposed to be fun!

Oh well. Tomorrow will (may) be a better day. Maybe ill be able to eat food and not feel like my stomach is rejecting me.

By megms

Dec. 8: flu?

I haven’t run/worked out for three days. I don’t feel bad this time. I feel sick. I’m hopeful tomorrow will be a better day.

We got our Christmas tree today. It is pretty awesome. I also made my first round of Christmas cookies. Jam thumbprints and checkered icebox cookies. They were very tasty. I am going to have to be really careful these next few weeks because I know holiday food is going to be such an awful temptation.

As much as I love Christmas, I feel like there’s always underlying tension. Even when we were getting our tree there was a slight argument and negative attitude. Where did the carefree holiday spirit go?

On the Christmas note, I really need to do my Christmas shopping. I have so many secret santas and parties this year, plus my family gifts, and I’ve only gotten one thing. I do this every year. You’d think I’d learn. Oh well. What’s more fun than the mall the week before Christmas?

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By megms

Dec. 6th- oh my lanta

I know it was only seven-ish years ago that I graduated high school, but seriously, were we that slutty (rhetorical question)?

The dance concert was a hit, with the students. And with myself, as I’m sure many of the other adult audience members thought, there were many, many talented dancers. However, good lord did they gyrate a lot; and to such blatantly sexual music. It makes me nervous for when I have my own children. Now this did not occur in every dance, but it did happen more often than I expected. I was mostly surprised because the dance teacher is adamant that the dances aren’t sexual in nature. Maybe my idea of what is sexual is different than hers but when some 16 year old is gyrating on stage and the audience is yelling “get it girl” I think sex. Sorry.

Further, those girls are freaking nasty. Not nasty in a not sanitary way, but nasty in attitude. After they performed they got to go to the balcony and watch the rest of the concert. I got to go to the balcony and do crowd control. I hate crowd control. Nobody wants to listen to a 24 year old chubby white girl tell them to sit their ass down or leave. And then they start the hooting and dog barking crap. In what world does that make you attractive? Who teaches these young women to behave this way? It truly boggles my mind why one would act like such an idiot.

I know I’m from a different background as most of these girls, but that doesn’t mean I have completely different values. I’m not naive to the struggles of the world or what goes on. I’m not just a dumb white girl. But seriously, how are these girls being raised with so little respect for themselves and anyone else around them. I couldn’t even tell you the number of times I was called bitch or who the fuck do you think you are. Where did the respect go for anyone who has any sort of authority. And come on, you really think I’m making up rules just to piss you off? I have way better things to do.

All in all it was a good night. Bowling is going well aside from the fact that I’m afraid one of the parents might want to punch me. I’m glad tomorrow is Friday. I will be hooting and hollering and dog barking my way through the day.

By megms

Dec. 5th- I suck at this

I didn’t write or workout again yesterday. Whoops. And now my Internet is being funky so we will see how this post works out. I did run this evening. A solid three miles on that god awful treadmill. The weather has been beautiful this week, I just can’t seem to get myself out there.

Bowling started yesterday and went well. I will probably drive myself crazy eventually but it is fun. If I didn’t mention it before, I am helping with the dance concert this week, that will definitely make me go insane. I’m not even going to start on that. I love being able to help but dear all that is holy I am going to need the worlds biggest drink come Friday.

I have a meeting next week with my advisor for grad school. I should probably take that more seriously because I really haven’t put much thought into it and considering I start in like a month or so I guess I should think about it a little.

I don’t know if I will get a chance to run tomorrow. I will be at work for a solid 14 hours and I’m not going to lie and say ill wake up at 4:45am to run before work. Ill definitely try to write. Should be an interesting day to write about.

By megms

Day 14: Dec. 3rd

Yesterday I neither wrote nor ran. I don’t feel bad about the writing, but  I feel bad about the not running. I know I need rest days here and there, but for some reason whenever I take one I always feel out of shape the following day. Like today, I ran on the treadmill but I only did a mile and a half because my legs felt so heavy. Maybe it’s just my mind. Running outside helps. It’s frustrating none the less.

This week is a crazy busy week. Bowling starts and there is a dance concert which I have one student dancing in so I inevitably end up helping out with it. Today I cut out 450 tickets. I still need about 250 more and roughly 700 programs (which as of this afternoon weren’t complete), did I mention the concert is Thursday? Can’t wait. Anyways, I do enjoy it to a degree, it’s always a great performance, it just makes my week crazy.

There is a 4 mile trail run on the 16th that I am tempted to sign up for. I heard it is an easy trail, but I have never done a trail run before so I am a little nervous. Plus, though I don’t mind running in the cold, it should be really cold by then. We will see.

I need some new stretches and light free weight work outs. Also, what are some good natural power foods and snacks?

By megms

Dec. 1st: Race Day

I was up at 7:30am to prepare for the race today. I wanted to make sure that I ate a good breakfast and had time for it to digest before going to the race at 9:00. I wore my cold weather gear and my santa hat (which got really hot) and of course my jingle bells. There were around 2,000 people at the race. I was quite impressed. The intimidation and nervousness I had felt before going quickly faded. I realized a lot of the people there were there for fun. The competitive nature that I assumed came with a race wasnt really there. Sure the first guy finished in like 18 minutes, good for him, but everyone was there for different reasons.

I finished around where I expected I would at 40:09. That’s what I had been aiming for, any longer and I would have been unhappy. I only took 3 one-minute walk breaks and 1 two-minute walk break, which for me is great. I feel re-motivated now and I really want to improve my time and distance. I don’t want to have to walk at all, but I know the more I run and the better shape I get in that will one day happen.

I did roll my ankle near the end, thankfully I didn’t fall, but im sure I looked like a raging idiot. However, this gave me a nice burst of adrenaline that carried me through to the finish line. Thankfully, I had my brace on so it feels okay.

All in all this race was a great experience. I am so happy I did it. Big thank you to my family and friends who came to cheer for me. I can’t wait for the next race!

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By megms