Clearly dismissive

I may be the worst blogger in the United States, or the world. My goals of the new year have yet to be reached and I still strive for greatness. I have lost ONE POUND but I can run 3 MILES! I keep telling myself I will not give up and in my heart I truly will not give up. I have realized though that this determination is for different reasons then I once thought. Not only do I want to become a healthier version of myself but I want to be a happier version. I was 10x happier when I was physically fit than I am now. I want to regain that attitude I once had.
I dream of the adventures I want to take. I know I cannot take these adventures unless I am physically fit. In order to be who I truly feel I am I need to regain who I once was.
For the first time in months I feel I am on the right track. It took me awhile to find an exercise regime that worked for me, but I found one. It also took me awhile to become more confidant that I could actually do what I wanted to do.
The overlying negative thoughts that once drowned me are now my endurance. I am the only one that stands in my way, and I will not deprive myself of greatness. My dreams will become my reality and my life will flourish.
I owe a lot of this to self reflection, but mostly to my friends. I have never felt more lifted and empowered than when I am with my friends. They are truly a breath of fresh air and some of the most wonderful people. These women are not afraid to sugar coat their feelings or make you feel good for fear of hurting you, they are some of the most amazing, free-spirited people I know. I am so thankful to have such wonderful people on my side who know that one day I will succeed at everything I want.
Now with all that out of the way, this blog is probably the worst thing I have ever written. It is probably not as bad a what others have written, though, so maybe I am not the worst human.

By megms

Better late

I know I have been seriously bad at this. Thankfully I am not getting paid to write, though I wish I could, and I’d probably be making only slightly less than I do now…sadly.

I have so much I want to write about. And I’ve had so much I want to write about. I just can’t find a way to formulate what I want to say. I feel that if I start I will go in so many different directions and there will be no end and no purpose. Since the last time I have written I have started my class. Now with MLK day, I have only had two classes. So far I love it. I’m still nervous that I won’t succeed and scared of the potential failure, but I really love being back at school. After struggling through school for most of my life I have really come to love learning. I have such a thirst and desire to absorb so much information, I surprise myself. I am very happy I started with the class I choose and I look forward to continuing.

As for my exercise and healthy lifestyle…wahhhh. I am doing okay. I would still like to run more than I do but I am on a good path. I do very well eating healthy during the week but anytime I go to happy hour or out with my family it’s a slippery slope and I fall all the way down. I don’t know if ill ever be able to improve that. It doesn’t ruin my whole day but those meals are definitely not healthy and consume most of my daily calories. However, I am beginning to accept that this is probably going to be part of my life. I need to make allowances for it and find ways to balance it out. I’m never going to be perfect or live the perfect lifestyle but I can adjust other areas of my life to make my flawed parts just a little better.

I am going to try to write again later this week. There are a few things I want to touch on, social norms, politics, assholes, the usual. I’m trying to be better. One day I will.

By megms

Resolutions and registration

The new year started out just as any other new year has; just another day. I kicked it off right this year by going to the Gaylord for big night DC which was awesome and I would highly suggest it. However, come morning, it was just another day.

My resolution this year is to eat clean. Meaning no preservatives, no packaged food, no white flour, ect. So far so good. It isn’t as hard as I thought it would be, but I could just be in that first week bliss before it gets boring.

I think resolutions are funny. I don’t know why it takes the change of a number to make a resolution. Usually the resolutions people make are healthy ones or ones that will improve their life. These resolutions should be made at any point in the year, not just New Year’s Day. It just seems a bit dumb to me that people wait for a day to better themselves. I fall into this trap though, as well. I fall into the trap also of, “oh ill start on Monday because Monday is a new week.” I just don’t understand, that as a society, why we are such big procrastinators.

But whatever I made my resolution like the rest of the world. The other part of my resolution was to take my workouts more seriously and to actually do them. Like the better half of society I have not done that. And like I said before, I will start Monday. Actually, I will hopefully start today.

Anyway, I am excited for a new year despite my lack of enthusiasm for odd numbers. Hopefully I will be going to grad school this year, though I missed the registration date and had a mild mental breakdown. I don’t know why they make things so hard. Post the damn registration close date on the website. Not on my portal crap. And the last time I tried to register it was too early. Now it’s too late. I am quite frustrated with loyola. Especially now that I have to drive to Baltimore to register in person and I have no idea how that is going to go. They probably won’t accept my money or some dumb crap.

After I cried about registration my parents tried to give me that whole learning experience talk. I know everything is a learning experience but that doesn’t mean I want to hear it. Life is a learning experience. I don’t think these experiences need to be so hard though and make you not want to go back to school. Even though I completed my undergrad and registered for my classes then, it was so much easier. My father did mostly everything for me and the online stuff wasn’t as complicated. Now no one is telling me what to do and I don’t know how to find anything out. I guess being 24 means I should put on my big girl pants and suck it up, but I really don’t want to. I just want to take this damn bullshit class and get it over with. All signs are pointing for me not to go to school but I’m still trying. Just let me do it loyola.

Now I’m done with my weekly grad school rant. I am excited for everything else 2013 has to offer. I really hope it is a good year. I also really hope it snows a foot soon.

By megms

Dec. 27th- exhilaration and depression

Today has been one of those rare days where fate has been on my side and I have little to complain about.

I got to have lunch with two of my longest best friends. We got to catch up on so much and it is so much fun to see the way our lives have changed and who we are becoming. I am so proud to have such inspirational, hard working, happy friends. These are two people that have never judged me and have always lifted me up and made me feel good about what I’m doing, even during my most discouraged times.

Next I got a killer parking spot at the mall. It was clearly in the stars that I shop. And the mall itself really wasn’t that bad. All my returns went smoothly, as did my purchases, and people weren’t huge grumpy grouches. Also, when I was leaving the mall I was able to flag down a car looking for a parking spot and give them my awesome one and they were so happy. Little things give me hope that there is still love and peace in the world.

When I got home from shopping I made the responsible decision to not take a nap and to go for a run. Let me tell you, I am so happy I did this. That run, though a brief two miles, gave me the perspective I needed to see some struggles a little more clearly.

The most bothersome thing right now is still this damn grad school crap. I know what I want to do with my life in the long term and its something that is so selfless and it bothers me so much that I have such a desire to help people but its so hard to get to that point. I know life isn’t meant to be easy and they say it is the struggles that define us, but for once I just want to be cut a damn break. I know it will work out. It’s just so hard to remain positive when I don’t know where to even start.

Aside from my slight grad school tangent, this has been a wonderful day. And it’s not over…I get to go eat oysters!!!!

By megms

Dec. 24th- holidays

I’d like to start by saying, even as a Christmas elf, there is still a certain aspect of the holidays that gets me down.

Now, this year with recent events, I think I can say the majority of America is with me on this.

Further, around this time of year it is very lovey. Everyone who is in a relationship is happy. And everyone who is not in a relationship, wishes they were. I stand on neither side of the fence.

There is so much desire to be in such a frivolous relationship that sometimes I have no such desire to do so. What does it all mean? And eventually, if you don’t get married, most break ups end up messy and nasty. And even if you do get married that doesn’t mean ten years from now your significant other wont leave you.

Maybe it’s just Christmas and I am feeling grinchy, but I’m starting to become very skeptical of serious relationships.

As I’ve said before, I definitely want to get married and have children, but I wonder if love is ever genuine.

I’ve been in relationships where I’ve loved and been loved, but that love has gone sour and I don’t see how any reconciliation could get back what was lost. Once hurt, how do you heal?

On a more positive note. I am so fucking glad it finally snowed. I put two cats outside in it. I don’t think either cared much for it. And I ran around like a lunatic. So happy for a white Christmas (eve). I will try to be more active with this thing. I am such a slacker.

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By megms

12/12/12- end of the world?

There’s so many things I could complain about, like my two hour wait at Mazda for an oil change, but with the end of the world just days away, I don’t think I will complain today.

I am so happy I got to see some of my friends this afternoon. Tomorrows quasi-hangover will be totally worth it. I didn’t think we would all be able to get together but low and behold, with plenty of bitching and moaning, we did. (Matt included).

I also got a wonderful phone call from a friend. Days like today make me remember that just when you think your life is shit, your friends are there to remind you that it is, but it will get better. Thank you friends.

On a health note: I suck. I didn’t run yesterday or today. My diet has been pretty good aside from the queso and margaritas I consumed for dinner tonight. Tomorrow I have nothing in the afternoon and I plan to go for a nice long run. I really think I need to get back to the gym some mornings.

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By megms

Dec. 11th- alcoholism

If it wasn’t for the huge responsibility of trying to be a real adult I feel, or fear, I would be a huge alcoholic.

I love to relax with a strong martini, margarita, glass of wine, or cold beer. In stressful situations, which I seem to find myself in a lot these days, I find myself craving the days where I used to only have to go to class, write seven papers, and get inappropriately drunk on a Tuesday night with ten of my most irresponsible friends. Why can’t things go back to the simpler days? The days of hangovers and Friends marathons and nothing to lose.

Now I’m in bed by 8:00pm. Sober. And alone. I still have Friends marathons…by myself. But I don’t have the same kind of carefree fun. The worries of having to be responsible and the stress of knowing that people are depending on you is really sobering. I now have to think before I drink and god forbid I do drink during the week, I have to drink responsibly. I know, I bet you thought I couldn’t do that; it’s hard.

Further, my friends that were once in arms reach are so spread apart. We have to pencil in dates and hope that at least a few of us can meet. Of course all of us never can. And even then we can’t go out on a “week night” like we were once able to. Not without more severe repercussions.

Being a grown up sucks. Being a grown up makes me crave irresponsibility. To be young, and wild, and free is to be cherished. One day, if you choose to (attempt to) be responsible, that spontaneous, fabulous life will be gone. In its place will be the 60 year old lady at the bowling alley, after all the students have left, telling you the bar is open, she knows you want a drink; and you walking away texting plans to drink another day.

By megms

Day 21? Dec 10th moving forward

My weird stomach bug is still lingering. I decided, after crying in the bathroom around 4:15 this morning for a half hour, I should probably stay home from work. It helped a little bit, however, anything I eat still seems to upset my stomach. I don’t actually get sick, I just whimper in tremendous pain.

I did run a mile and a half today on the treadmill. That felt okay. Not a bad as I thought it would be after a four day break. I am going to try to get up before work to run tomorrow. Ha. That might be a stretch but I have good intentions.

I met with my advisor for grad school today. No one has ever made me feel more like an idiot than she did. Oh and the dumb ass public safety officer that didn’t think I could handle finding the lady’s office. I don’t know how upon entering a building one has never been in before they should be expected to know their way around.

Anyway, my advisor thought I should have the next few years of my life planned out and was upset with me when I didn’t. Maybe it’s just me, but how can you plan out two year of your future and think it will never change? And why would you want to do that? I understand making tentative plans so you know what classes you need to take and the order in which you should take them, but seriously planning everything, including internships that I don’t even know if I can do while still working. It isn’t going to happen lady. She wasn’t pleased with my nonchalant attitude about grad school. I thought learning was supposed to be fun!

Oh well. Tomorrow will (may) be a better day. Maybe ill be able to eat food and not feel like my stomach is rejecting me.

By megms

Dec. 8: flu?

I haven’t run/worked out for three days. I don’t feel bad this time. I feel sick. I’m hopeful tomorrow will be a better day.

We got our Christmas tree today. It is pretty awesome. I also made my first round of Christmas cookies. Jam thumbprints and checkered icebox cookies. They were very tasty. I am going to have to be really careful these next few weeks because I know holiday food is going to be such an awful temptation.

As much as I love Christmas, I feel like there’s always underlying tension. Even when we were getting our tree there was a slight argument and negative attitude. Where did the carefree holiday spirit go?

On the Christmas note, I really need to do my Christmas shopping. I have so many secret santas and parties this year, plus my family gifts, and I’ve only gotten one thing. I do this every year. You’d think I’d learn. Oh well. What’s more fun than the mall the week before Christmas?

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By megms

Dec. 6th- oh my lanta

I know it was only seven-ish years ago that I graduated high school, but seriously, were we that slutty (rhetorical question)?

The dance concert was a hit, with the students. And with myself, as I’m sure many of the other adult audience members thought, there were many, many talented dancers. However, good lord did they gyrate a lot; and to such blatantly sexual music. It makes me nervous for when I have my own children. Now this did not occur in every dance, but it did happen more often than I expected. I was mostly surprised because the dance teacher is adamant that the dances aren’t sexual in nature. Maybe my idea of what is sexual is different than hers but when some 16 year old is gyrating on stage and the audience is yelling “get it girl” I think sex. Sorry.

Further, those girls are freaking nasty. Not nasty in a not sanitary way, but nasty in attitude. After they performed they got to go to the balcony and watch the rest of the concert. I got to go to the balcony and do crowd control. I hate crowd control. Nobody wants to listen to a 24 year old chubby white girl tell them to sit their ass down or leave. And then they start the hooting and dog barking crap. In what world does that make you attractive? Who teaches these young women to behave this way? It truly boggles my mind why one would act like such an idiot.

I know I’m from a different background as most of these girls, but that doesn’t mean I have completely different values. I’m not naive to the struggles of the world or what goes on. I’m not just a dumb white girl. But seriously, how are these girls being raised with so little respect for themselves and anyone else around them. I couldn’t even tell you the number of times I was called bitch or who the fuck do you think you are. Where did the respect go for anyone who has any sort of authority. And come on, you really think I’m making up rules just to piss you off? I have way better things to do.

All in all it was a good night. Bowling is going well aside from the fact that I’m afraid one of the parents might want to punch me. I’m glad tomorrow is Friday. I will be hooting and hollering and dog barking my way through the day.

By megms